I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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