it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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