Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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