I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
