I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
