That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
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I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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