Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
