It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
