I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
