my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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