I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
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