I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
