Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
