I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
