soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
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If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
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Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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