I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
All I want is dick and wine.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY