My sheets look like a crime scene.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Randomize
