new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
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