I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
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we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
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I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
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