Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
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I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
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I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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