hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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