Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize