every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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