Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
