I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
