my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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