She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
