So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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