I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Randomize
