You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
