Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
