I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
