i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
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