I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
