i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Mom said you looked used
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
