She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
