sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Randomize
