Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
