I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
the condom got lost in my hair
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Randomize
