I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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