Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
