Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
