So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
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