He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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