how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
