When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
