life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
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