listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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