Jerry, you need to find god
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
