I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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