do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize
