So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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