my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
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