haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Randomize
